one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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