I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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