OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
