That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
