I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Randomize
