The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
