What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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