He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
this will be a night to untag.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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