youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize