So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
