My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I understand Curling. That high.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
