I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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