I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
