and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
She bit a glass in half.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
