my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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