it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize