I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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