Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
