I will die if light touches me.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
