I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
