Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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