Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
