i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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