I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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