It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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