Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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