Your face is a jimmy john
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
