two words: eviction party
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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