Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize