i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
