I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
