Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
