If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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