Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I think your dad took our porno
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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