Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
