I think I died a long time ago.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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