True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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