I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize