The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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