i'm signing you up for texting rehab
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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