Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
