the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
