dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
