I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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