just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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