i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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