Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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