I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
