Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
i believe in u and ur pee
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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