I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize