all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
