My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
