She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
