In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I want to make a zoo with you.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize