Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
