i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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