Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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