don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize