im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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