the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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