my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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