You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
