i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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